Grief

Grief is a response to loss. Dr Joe Kosterich talks about things that may cause grief, what grief feels like, the stages of grief, how long grief can last, and things that can be done to help with grief. The most important thing to do is accept that grief is normal.

Even if we’re looking after our health, following all the good advice that you find in the Virtual Medical Centre site, we’re all going to die one day – this is, in fact, the fact of life. And when we do there will be people left behind. And when we die those people left behind will experience some form of grief. And grief is the topic we’re going to be talking about in this video.

It’s something that is going to affect everybody at some point in time. Grief is the response we get to loss. Now, the most well known example is, of course, when somebody dies and there is a grief reaction. Grief can occur though after any form of loss. There can be small grief reactions when we lose a job, when there’s relationship breakdown, when a pet dies, when there are natural disasters – when things occur where we feel a real sense of loss about something that we’ve had. Even for example if one is burgled or one’s car is stolen, it can lead to grief-type reactions because of the sense of loss.

These things are not as major as somebody dying but it goes to show that the human reaction of grief will occur in any sense of loss.

So what do we feel when somebody’s died?

Obviously, we feel sad. We may feel quite tearful. We may feel somewhat out of control: that things have happened that we can’t influence or change. We’re going to feel mixed emotions sometimes. When somebody’s died we remember the good times but we also feel very sad that there won’t be any more. As I said, we may be teary. We may feel a bit angry that somebody might have been taken before their time. We might feel a sense that we wanted to say things that we haven’t been able to say and obviously the opportunity no longer arises. We may feel frustrated. We may feel a sense of rage; we may feel a sense of outrage. We may feel a whole lot of things, all at the same time and that, in course, leads to some confusion, which is one of the other things people feel.

The most important thing to say about a grief reaction is that it is normal. If somebody that you love or care for dies, you are going to expect to feel sad; you are going to expect to feel tearful. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and it is certainly not a disease.

How long does grief go on for?

It really does vary, and it takes a while for people to come to terms with what has happened and move to what we call acceptance. Now, there are a number of stages in grief and these have been studied by various psychologists and psychiatrists over the years. One doesn’t have to read textbooks on grief to see that people do go through stages and eventually reach a point where one has accepted what has happened and moves on with life. And that is the ultimate point that one wants to get to. It may take a number of weeks, it may take a number of months, it may take a little bit longer.

Whilst grief is not a disease there are times when it might be important to seek help and it may be worthwhile having a chat with your doctor. Many funeral directors these days will have grief counsellors and even run seminars on coping and managing grief, and these things are quite helpful. Talking about good times with your own family and friends can be helpful, and journaling is helpful as well.

A lot of the ceremonies around the death process are designed to allow conclusion and saying goodbye. These are very important too and of course will depend upon your own beliefs and your own background.

The most important thing with grief is to accept that it is normal. There is nothing that you can do to bring back a loved one but there’s plenty that you can do to honour their memory.

All of us when we asked what would we like our loved ones to do when we die, almost everybody will say: “Look, I’d like people to remember me but move on with their lives.” That is ultimately how we most honour those we have loved who have passed on.

Yes, we need to experience the sadness; yes, we do need to go through the emotions – that is quite normal. There is assistance available and you can certainly avail yourself of that. Be patient with yourself. Honour and remember those that you’ve loved and continue to move on with your own life.

More information on grief